Welcome to Twitter, you Facebook and Instagram People

Tired of the fake, annoying stuff happening on Facebook and Instagram?

Tired of having to censor yourself because your parents, uncles, aunts, and grandparents are all on Facebook?

Well, why not join the obsessive, sharp-tongued, high-horse riding, egocentric, morality spewing, pitchfork-wielding crowd on Twitter.

On Twitter, we make fun of people, make mean thinly-veiled comments about complete strangers, and try to be witty to get people to approve of us… Hooray!

And, hey…. we promise….. it is not cyberbullying 😉

Twitter is liberating, the old folks probably don’t even know it exists but your young PROGRESSIVE colleagues know it and they are spreading their filth there like there’s no tomorrow.

And by progressive, I mean being open-minded while also being super-nasty to anyone who disagrees with you. You also become overly and uncomfortably sexual whenever the chance presents itself.

Twitter used to be 140 characters and it taught us to get straight to the point. No meandering, no unnecessary characters… just make fun of that innocent person as concisely but as hurtfully as possible.

Deliver your witty remarks quickly and effectively. Sometimes sacrifice grammar but somehow never use x instead of s… because that would make you backward, and we hate that.  

When they said they would move on to 280 characters, people thought the microblogging appeal would die away, but fast-forward to now, we are still here doing what we do best.

Twitter Summary

A thread

Watch as some conperson (let’s be gender-sensitive here, even women can be conniving hehe) gets exposed or as some socialite successfully steals everybody’s attention with an eloquent thread about something bad someone did to them (usually acting surprised as if they expected life to be rosy and them to be treated fairly by everyone that they meet on earth).

Sometimes, a thread can be informative and I think that’s what Jack Dorsey had in mind when he started this jungle.

Politics is a thing here, too.

If you are a Kenyan, there’s little you can do to evade politics and politicians. We usually start politicking 5 years to the next elections. Politics takes up all the newspaper real estate and dominates all the news segments… anyway, Kenyans love politics.

So, join Kipchumba Murkomen, Nelson Havi, DonaldKipkorir… wait, those are all mostly lawyers (mental note: we need more engineers in politics); anyway, watch as politicians discredit ‘the dishonest media’ and throw jabs at each other on Twitter

(These guys are good friends in real life and any fighting they do in public is well-scripted PR nonsense).

Anyway, politics is polarizing and it gets messy when people argue about who should be the president or something like that.

Public Outrage

Sometimes, a politician is exposed for stealing billions, people get angry and tweet, then they accept that nothing will happen…. And then nothing happens. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Local media outlets care about Twitter, A LOT!

Twitter inevitably shapes News Stories and topics of discussion on all Local stations. Therefore, watch as KTN, NTV, Citizen, and K24 jostle for the top trending spots at 9-11 pm and Milele FM, Kiss FM, HBR, Classic 105, Radio Maisha, and Hot 96 fight it out for the top trending spots in the morning.

Followback Trains

In my opinion, it is an ethically questionable way to gain followers. Don’t get me wrong, I am careful to differentiate follow trains and follow backs – follow backs are the only way non-celebs can gain followers.

Anyhow, rather than be interesting to earn followers organically, watch as people gain followers by running follow trains to ramp up their numbers… and in the process attract some Fake account bots… it all about follows follow follow follow follow…

The blue ticks gang

In Kenya, very few people were verified up until 3-4 years ago. I think only a few major politicians and big personalities were. That meant that celebs, journalists, artists, and influencers were mostly unverified.

It was tough for them back then but now, they have them blue ticks and they wield them like fucking mjonirs.

Having a verified account turns some of them into self-aggrandizing prats. They think their opinion matters more now, which can be so annoying.

Not a powerful enough political tool YET

Although Twitter has made massive strides, it is still not a potent enough tool to drive a political agenda like in Western Countries. When a topic trends here the whole day, it will get 10-20K tweets (and I am being very generous). The average is probably just 3000 tweets.

Out of over 20 million voters, that’s a drop in the swimming pool. That’s why politicians who trend for the wrong reasons still get voted in and others who seem popular on Twitter but do very badly during elections – case in point, Boniface Mwangi. 

The votes are with the old folk I made fun of earlier and they spend their time being productive, mostly.

Annoying hashtags

Motivation Mondays

Fewer Sexy Photos

Fewer pics of women seeking validation from strangers. Although every once in a while, you’ll see a trend like #thickgals #slimgals of women posting their bodies for mass approval and ogling.

The trend is changing and more girls are posting pics of themselves… I may have to edit this part in the not-so-distant future.

Gender Wars

Women and men are usually at each other’s throats a lot on Twitter. Women believe that men should fulfill some obligations (Tuma fare) and men think they owe women nothing.

It gets heated when some feminist provokes male anger or some guy posts some “women should get back to the kitchen” type of thing.

The keep going! Gang 💪

The guy who keeps tweeting but his tweets are hardly seen by anyone but he keeps going anyway.

I belong to this group 🙋‍♂️because my tweets hardly get people excited. I mean, it’s not like this blog is pulling up trees either. I may have to find a better way to spend my free time 😐

Lists

Who even uses Lists?

Final Thoughts

Of course, I exaggerate: Twitter is awesome

My Twitter stats are mediocre by all accounts. My followers are few, I haven’t tweeted much, but I am one of those people who just read other people’s stuff. I like what makes me laugh and bookmark the gems that I want to go through when I’m bored.  

If your older relatives start asking how Twitter works, quickly defuse the situation by making up some story about how you pay monthly subscriptions and how it is “not THAT interesting”

That being said, let me log in, waste the next three hours of my life, neglect something important I should be doing, and later wonder why my life is stagnating. BYE!!

Oh, and now that Twitter is getting overcrowded, we are moving on to REDDIT.